Chapter 1 Comments
Note: I recognize that this is an "in character" chapter, as such, it is not written to strict technical grammar guidelines. However, the grammer / spelling comments below are things that break the flow or otherwise disrupt immersion. Maybe I'm picker than others, I do right technical documents )with rather picky audiences) for a living.
I just had to make a smartass remark on how the one sentence you wrote describing how grammatically picky you are had three separate grammar errors ("picker", wrong paren, "right" for write) in the space of under ten words. In addition to the old grammar-Nazi standby, misspelling the word "grammar" in the preceding sentence.
(No, I would not do this under normal circumstances. I explicitly only correct other peoples' grammar if that are already correcting someone else's grammar. And yes, all the corrections you suggested are good ones.)
(Initially replied with this on the main thread before I realized this sub-board was here. Oops.)