What just happened?
Did I actually fool a system that can read my brain waves?
Did I panick without realizing it?
Did I play my role so well that my physical signals supported my role?
Did I plan to play the fear-struck little girl to provide myself with a self-estimation supporting illusion after I realized my own fear?
bnc hated analyzing herself and finding potential weaknesses. She had a lot of obvious weaknesses, and really had no use for potential ones in addition. What drove her mad was when she realized that she avoided facing her own weaknesses, but in the same moment had to admit that this again, was a weakness (which she wanted to avoid, but failed). This created a never-ending loop, a recursive process of facing her inability of facing her inability of facing her inability of facing her inability (…) to face her weaknesses. This is difficult for anybody, but it kills a programmer. A recursive call of functions without a determined final condition will bind even the most elaborate of programs in a never-ending loop. Yeah, that meant that it was her brilliant, sharp, razor-blade mind that made it even more difficult to solve her problems. And realizing this made it really bad. Just think about how much she will hate the fact that she has difficulties in facing her inability of facing her inability (…) to face the fact that her greatest (only) strength was actually a weakness. A weakness that made her weakness in facing her weaknesses even more difficult. It was terrible, and a very good reason to do everything to avoid facing yourself.
That’s why it took her a moment to react. A good observer might have found the puzzled, almost desperate look in her face, before she distracts herself and focusses on solutions to avoid the never-ending and hopeless loop of encountering herself. Stick to the role, whatever it costs you. You do this for Krestov, and for him you have to endure even the worst: doubt.
She continues sobbing silently, but almost immediately stops as Krestov approaches. She falls into his arms and presses herself against him. “I… I’m sorry that I interrupted this program. It must have been so horrible! Just imagine how your life could have turned out if it weren’t for these racist assholes!” Her fist clenches.