Part 2 of the book edit:
[spoiler]
SAEDER-KRUPP Fiction Writing good. Didn't like the premise. Maybe if more hints/info as to what was the job that Dauger did that got S-K to hire some guys to rough him up.
In-game S-Kea (Furniture), hehe. The 'One Step Ahead Again' section needs more work. General structure section is good, laying out the complexity clearly. Overall needs a lot of work (see below for examples).
Notes/Questions Languages in main corp sidebar. pg 157.
"Based on my recent update on the dragon's corporate inquisition in Bloody Business..." A+, awesome, giving the reader the location of the background infomration from which the rest flows.
"Since the ’40s, Saeder-Krupp has thrived, dominating the corporate landscape as first among equals. The Euro Wars and subsequent economic conquest of Europe, Russia, (Northern) Africa, and the Middle East cemented the corporation’s reign in extended Europe." pg 158. -But Euro Wars started in 2031 (SWA pg 49), "ended" in 2033 with Great Jihad ending after 18 Jan 2036 (Euro War Antiques). So "Since the '30s" (and pre-Lofwyr reveal) would make more sense here.
On the formation of Neu-Essen, pg 159,...hadn't read about it before. Author gives reader a date. Thank you.
And again, attack on AEtherlink HQ, pg 159,...a date given. Thank you.
Kay St. Irregular's post, pg 160, "In September this year, she faces..." so S-K section likely written in 2078.
"...the giant fell. ...enough to lose the title of biggest megacorp in the world and be passed by Mitsuhama." pg 160. So this section written after it's been made official, sometime in March 2078 (pg 108).
'One Step Ahead Again' section, pg 160, gets confused. To paraphrase and/or quote each sentence in the first paragraph (with notes in parenthesis): S-K's productivity made it top dog. But that's over now. They had to close and/or merge subsidiaries which moved employees. The closings/mergers allowed other corporations to make gains in those areas. But all the people at S-K were in a positive mood because of the Megacorporate Audit's timing. "With the audit behind them (for S-K or all corps, as written should just be S-K?) and the tensions in the corporate world rising due to several power shifts, the NEEC boils." (Probably should have started a new paragraph with this sentence as focus is shifting from soley S-K to NEEC). "until...recently...Eurocorps consisted of...about three factions" listed factions and comment on those not in those factions. "Now, these alliances are beginning to crumble and may fall apart. One of these new alliances is between..." That alliance is not stable yet. (so the main problem is in what should be the second paragraph, specifically the last three sentences as first sentence says here's the factions. Second sentence says those factions crumbling. Then flips over and says "one of these new alliances" when "new" factions/alliances was never set up...all we were talking about were the "until recently" factions.)
pg 160: "...to fend off rebellious AA and A corporations..." for NeoNET? or NeoNET and S-K? Understand to "strengthen ...the Corporate Court..." but the fending off bit needs more explanation and since it's a "These guys say, but I think" intro, just cut it if it can't be expanded or commented upon.
pg 160: "Remember, the main problem of S-K is the lack of productivity." No. The main current problem(s) of S-K, as have been talked about so far are: 1. Shut down nanofabraction branch due to CFD (nothing about not producing all the other goods and services, other than nano), 2. Confused alliance between NeoNET and S-K. 3. That "all of those events combined were too much, even for a giant like Saeder-Krupp" (pg 160, paragraph before the 'One Step Ahead Again' section). Given the list of 'Notable Subsidiaries' and the S-K write-up so far, it is not made clear to the reader where the lack of productivity is coming from (other than nanoforges, which largely began closing down between 2074-2075...3 years ago...starting in the last edition of SR so, if Heisenberg is on the up and up, perhaps a paragraph or runner comment along the lines of "For those of you too tempo'd out in the early 70's to remember, the whole world had become nano-crazy. Standard forms of production were almost entirely abandoned as nanoforges took over productivity for 90% of the world's production. And leading the way was good old Lofwyr at the helm of S-K [though this still wouldn't address why it isn't talked about for the other corps, how it affected them, why S-K is singled out as being affected the most, etc.]"). Core Business section, pg 162, confirms, by way of Krupp-Gruppe, that productivity is not the main problem of S-K.
pg 162: Core Business, first paragraph...should be at least three paragraphs, second one starting at "The first name that...", third at "So, for example, Krupp..." etc.
pg 162: "This is why just a few S-K subsidiaries were closed or forced into insolvency, unlike other dragon-affiliated corps." Why is it just dragon-affiliated corps (and how affiliated, like Celedyr-NeoNET and AZT-Feathered Serpents, or lesser like MCT->Yak->Ryumyo?).
p 163: "So with some notable exceptions, they produce and process chemicals for industrial applications rather than consumer products, unlike its competitors Z-IC, ETC, or Komatsu." This sentence says Z-IC, et al. focuses on consumer (and not industrial) chemicals.
pg 163: "...would be a hugely less productive...", "...that's why it is...the sector Lofwyr reconstructed when he returned..." (tense), "The other business segment that is famous for S-K is its..." (awkward), "...with subsidiary like Kinesys Heavy Industry." (number agreement).
pg 163: "...S-K is big in mining Awakened materials..." seems like this should be a section all its own.
pg 164: "...a perfect circular flow economy...(with all its consequences like resource thefts and Mafia involvement)..." so how is this 'perfect'?
pg 164: "...the power plants often produce thermal energy, which is also used to heat homes." Power plants take one form of energy (wind, thermal, natural gas, solar, nuclear, tidal, coal, etc.) and turn that into electricity. Something like natural gas distribution may be what's meant here?
pg 164: "...owns several banks around the world, including at least one big multinational on every continent." See pg 162-163 for "S-K's vast network of construction companies ensures that at least one big company is available on every continent, though it also owns several smaller companies that just do business in on particular area or even single sprawl." and similar comments throughout. Given the General Structure section (pg 161-162), these comments are highly redundant. Perhaps end of Core Business sections have runner comment "And remember, in nearly ever sector, S-K has major business holdings on every continent (especially in Construction and Finance). Some are multinational, others local to a single Sprawl, but almost all do not wear their S-K affiliations on their sleeves."
pg 165, Magical Research section: would have liked info or comment on how magical research for a company owned by a great dragon is the same, different, or similar.
pg 166, Orbital DK's comment, "In the meantime, S-K started mining the asteroid, which they would do anyway." Mining implies removing mass. Removing mass changes the asteroids acceleration. Changes in stable-orbit acceleration causes unstable orbits. Unstable orbits must be fixed by adding mass/energy. Mine the asteroid then get it ready for a skyhook or don't mine it at all to save on fuel costs to re-adjust it's orbit.
pg 166-167, Inside Saeder-Krupp section, first paragraph...didn't feel like it was Heisenberg, cut the whole paragraph.
pg 167, Sunshine comment, "...German could replace English as the lingua franca in the next ten to twenty years." Thought Japanese tended to be the corporate lingua franca, what with four Japanacorps being in the top 8 back in the day, and nearly a third in the current top 10 still.
pg 167 "Working for S-K is considered by many a privilege, not only because S-K pays above the average of other megacorporations." ... but? Should be "not only because X, but because of Y (or Y, Z, etc.) as well."
pg 167: The paragraph about the Accentives, break into new paragraph at "Since S-K has been on top..." as how does it tie into Accentives?
pg 168: "Besides Horizon..., there are a few organizations or people...that can make [Lofwyr] lose his self-control." Why? Expand, either Heisenberg or via runners like Frosty. A great line buried and left behind.
pg 169: "...figures like Hyvönen and Montejac are
part of it." first time use of their names, use full names.
pg 169: "Since the crisis he also has kept an eye on all Horizon-
operations in Europe..." (Coupled with the "Besides Horizon..." pg 168), I may be blanking but what's with the freak-out over Horizon?
pg 169: "and originates from Portland." Which one
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Portland and if Tír, is it getting renamed to it's pre-Tír name?
Orbital DK comment "Aztech" (pg 166), Heisenberg "Aztech" (pg 170, 171x2), Mr. Bonds comment "Aztech" (pg 170) but other than "Aztech arms" (pg 144), subsidiaries/brands, and Lyran's comment "Aztech's savvy" everyone always uses the full name (and Lyran uses the full name later in the comment).
pg 171: "...located in Portland..."
pg 171: "We all love soy, but often it's simply too cold or too expensive to grow it." Thought soy was the cheapest, it's why everything's a soy substitute "soycaf" and what not.
pg 171: "(like the mass extinction of bees)" maybe 'near extinction'? Otherwise...how plants work now?
pg 172: "In the past, the local managers were responsible for their own security forces... After the dragon conflict, this system proved to be insufficient." This seems to go against Lofwyr's claws in every pie of the pre-dragon conflict. Expected, pre-conflict Lofwyr knows all. Conflict let local managers become responsible. Now restructuring.
pg 172: "...atomic weapons (stationed in the SOX)..." no runner comment as to the veracity of that claim?
pg 172: "...and also anti-dragon weapons, once developed in the early twenty-first century..." awkward phrasing. 'ones developed' maybe?
pg 172: "...nicknamed 'junta,'..." who nicknamed them that? Do they have an offical title?
pg 173: The paragraph on Basima Oriol Diasruíz, goes from talking about her in the first sentence. Second sentence "Rumor has it that the techomancer [sic] known as Mihna ("testing") is capable of "hearing" (or detecting) the virus, which led to her promotion and eventual seat on the Corporate Court." As if Mihna is a seperate person from Diasruíz and add to that would have been good for a comment about being a Technomancer to appear in Diasruíz's Corporate Court write up in the Justices section at the beginning of the book.
pg 173: "...due to their lack of empathy." ...CFD cases can't experience empathy?
pg 173: For "Baichik, on the other hand, is even an odd person under the nerds." The next sentence "The bald, glasses-wearing Matrix expert and hacker has an IQ of over 150 and is rumored to be a technomancer." doesn't explain what makes him odd.
pg 174: Fianchetto's comment, he should use Beloit's title (if anything as a reminder to the reader that it's not the old Beloits, but the new).
pg 174: Frosty's comment, last two sentences nearly unreadable "There she met Aithne Oakforest, who know [sic] resides there. I think the two might have a talk, and since then she is not very keen to be seen in public."
pg 174: "He informs the OO about..." Corporate Oversight Office last referenced on pg 169, with new section better to use full name in first reference of that section.
pg 174: "Though still small, Two Moon hires several runners to sabotage every move of FBA in the NAN." Awkward phrasing.
pg 174: Now they will definitely send to Constantinople for operations against Saided Bey." Awkward phrasing.
pg 175: "Even today a Hans Brackhaus can be seen around the world hiring teams to work for S-K." Awkward phrasing.
pg 176: Date given for forming of Neu-Essen, yay!
pg 176: "...S-K Main Arcology. It's over 566 meters high..." and it's width, lenght, or just comparison to other arcologies (like ACHE)?
pg 177: "Sometimes S-K subsidiaries get an order, and if they can’t fulfill it, they search for people in the shadows who helped them to reach their goals..." Awkward phrasing.
pg 177: "Saeder-Krupp believes in long-term benefits, so it will employ successful runner teams for a long time, as long as they benefit from them." Pronoun usage, stay with "it" or "them".
SHIAWASE Fiction Good, some missing "the"s broke attention to the story (first paragraph, "interior of [the] warehouse" and last paragraph, "start to fly at [the] runners". Good set up, nice details on what got the characters to this point in the story.
In-game No beginning history section? Like the recent history (2060s+) detail though. Appreciate the comment-heavy section after the brief current history (in the Leadership Current Challenges section). Good overview of the Biofoods, Biotect, Envirotech, Manufacturing (and linking them to S-K) sections. Needed (and room for) paragraph write ups on the remaining divisions (or a solid section on MIFD's operations). No Running for/against section.
Notes/Questions pg 178, intro fiction, dialog in 4th paragraph, "I am not, burakumin,...However, he could not be here this evening due to other commitments. But he sent me here with your payment..." Remove first "however" and replace "But he..." with "However, he..."
Main corporate sidebar, ranking doesn't have a year-date like all the others so far.
Main corporate sidebar, add major/secondary languages for sidebar consistancy.
Main corporate sidebar, Major Divisions and Associated Subsidiaries, like the bracketed inclusion of product names...would like that consistently throughout the book (or not included or placed elsewhere) as well as note indicating if it's just major brands or all brands, etc.
Pg 180: "...since 2075, rates...have spiked..." "These numbers have slowly been receding since 2075..." number order either spiked since 2075 and have been receding after 2075+X or numbers spiked at the start of 2075 but have receded since.
pg 180, last paragraph implies heavy decline in the corporation, while last paragraph of section's intro (pg 180, before Leadership Current Challenges), starting with "For years, Shiawase has been listed as the eighth largest megacorporation...", coupled with main corporate sidebar listing Shiawase as #5 (a jump of 3 places) indicates huge leaps. Looking for more detail in this section...
pg 184: In or after Kia's comment (left column), good place to plug Neutral Ground from Hard Targets.
pg 184: Kia's second comment, include a name or two of the various "Matrix conspiracy theories".
pg 185: "In 2078, the head of the Shinto Advisory Board is..." so Shiawase section written during or after 2078.
pg 186: Header title "Major Division to Watch in 2078 an Beyond" indicates section written in or for 2078.
pg 186: Shiawase Biofood intro, good crossing over with S-K section and indicating that, despite previous Shiawase sections over all "problems in Shiawase", here is one reason why the corp has risen from 8 to 5 in ranking.
pg 187: "...pay very well... You can usually make upwards of 25,000 nuyen per job." Assuming a four-runner team, that's 6,250 nuyen each. As per SR5 pg 375-376, this would be a simple run of evenly numbered enemies with highest opposing Dice Pool of about 8 dice or the runners are outnumbered two to one by Professional Rating 4 or higher (but none using a dice pool higher than 7) and facing three different spirits (again, none using a dice pool higher than 7). Suggest changing to either "at least 10,000 nuyen per runner" or "over 40,000 nuyen per job."
pg 187, "...Shiawase brings in over two trillion dollars annually...", pg 190, "...Shiawase Manufacturing brings in over a trillion nuyen...each year." Watch dollars vs. nuyen and generally give more approximate numbers (trillions rather than "one" or "two") so as to avoid errors or extrapolated calculations (like Shiawase has 11 major divisions, if each were at 2 trillion average then Shiawase brings in about 22 trillion per year, and given it's #5, make that the average for all 10 megas, so 220 trillion per year is what they make, where current world GDP is about $100 trillion (2014 CIA world fact book), so 2.2 nuyen in 2078 is on par with $1 in 2014).
pg 188: "the board has expected the biotech division to have expanded its profits by at least seventy-five percent... Instead...only managed to increase profits by a meager six percent, far less than what the board was expecting (which...was closer to either a twenty or thirty percent increase in market share)." Parenthetical note not needed unless there's a reason to link 75% profit increase equals a 20-30% market share increase.
WUXING Fiction Writing good, but lacking details as to what Lin Mae was doing it for, why she had ended up there, or why she was targeted for extraction.
In-game Nice history section, like the date of elder Wu's death in '39 linked to AA status for Wuxing "within six years." Good overall overview on how Wuxing jumped three places in the AAA rankings. Nice write-ups on personnel.
Notes/Questions
Main corporate sidebar, corp ranking for 2077.
Main corporate sidebar, add primary/secondary languages.
pg 193: Lei Kung's comment,"...a run in 2078..." places this section posted to Jackpoint in 2078.
pg 201: "Their (Wuxing and Evo's) partnership through the PPG had been deteriorating steadily over the last few years..." but pg 198 "The first hit was the collapse of he PPG."
pg 202: "magic loss due to critical injury" and Ethernaut's following comment. No 5th Edition rules on magic loss through injury?
OVERALLLike the short and sweet "Running For..." and "Running Against..." sections. Good Profiles of key players.
Good to have the brief history sections
Would prefer a uniform Corporate Overview sidebar layout.
Want more dates! Like when did Horizon take Consensus offline? When did Consensus 2.0 come online other than just "...the recently unveiled Consensus 2.0..." (pg 95)?
Want more tie in to the A and AA mergers listed in Hard Targets.
[/spoiler]
