FastJack, I'll second that. Checked my copy, both are missing their author.Chapter 1 CommentsNote: I recognize that this is an "in character" chapter, as such, it is not written to strict technical grammar guidelines. However, the grammer / spelling comments below are things that break the flow or otherwise disrupt immersion. Maybe I'm picker than others, I do right technical documents )with rather picky audiences) for a living.
Problem 1I make it quick, I made it simple, and I kept it to the things you might want to know.
Problem: Inconsistent verb tense.
Analysis: While the rest of the paragraph is written in the present tense, this particular sentence refers to actions taken in the past, as such, the verbs should all be past tense.
I made it quick, I made it simple, and I kept it to the things you might want to know.
Problem 2... there's no government to speak to enforce what little pollution regulations there are.
Problem: Doubled up infinitive verbs, lack of conjoining prepositions
Analysis: While the technically correct resolution would be "...there's no government
of which to speak to enforce...", this is too formal for Hard Exit, another solution could be "...there's no government to speak of to enforce...", which is generally accepted, even if still grammatically incorrect. The best solution may be to simply eliminate the phrase "to speak", this is a simple, clean, and clear way to resolve the cumbersome wording.
...there's no government to speak to enforce what little pollution regulations there are.
Problem 3... they're a great symbols of peace.
Problem: "a" is singular, "they're" and "symbols" are plural; therefore, delete "a".
Problem 4Nothing like seeing your lover's body lit up be the flash...
Problem: Simple typo, should be "by".
Problem 5...if you see a block without somewhere where there's no dancing going on...
Problem Effectively, a double negative.
Analysis: This part of the sentence is fairly cumbersome, even setting aside the double negative. The easiest solution to correct both the double negative and the cumbersome nature would be to delete the words "without somewhere". Alternatively, it could be rephrased "if you see a block somewhere without a place to go dancing", but I prefer the first solution, as it keeps the general flow and doesn't imply that a particular location is required, simply that dancing is required.
[quote Recommended Correction]
...if you see a block
without somewhere where there's no dancing going on...[/quote]
Problem 6the gangs, of course, get a five percent cut of any deal on the list, of course.
Problem: Unnecessarily repetitive, delete an "of course".
the gangs, of course, get a five percent cut of any deal on the list, of course.
Problem 7...since there's some rich snob willing to pay more for the limited resource cyberwear.
Problem: Word choice and spelling.
Analysis: Is "limited resource" suddenly an adjective? I see it used rather formally in this document by Hard Exit (particularly on page 12, "The Black Market"), and it almost seems like an attempt by the author to bring the RAW concept of availability into in-game language. I get what the author is after, but this is kind of cumbersome and hurts the fourth wall, in my opinion. The author could just as easily have said "... willing to pay more for that same cyberware, given its scarcity in war-torn Bogota." Also, every other book I've got spells it "cyberware", not "cyberwear".
...since there's some rich snob willing to pay more for that same cyberware, given its scarcity in ware-torn Bogota.