Press Release

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« on: <12-02-15/0000:05> »
[The following is a transcript of a press release conducted by Reginald P. Hartman, III: founder, president, & CEO of Underbridge Enterprises, Inc. Transposed (in parentheses) and annotated (in italics) from tridcording by Catherine Parker, investigative journalist.]

[Reggie] Good evening. (pause) Good evening. Please, take your seats. I know you all have lots of questions, which I'll be glad to answer, so let's get started.

(assembled reporters quiet down)

[Reggie] OK, the biggest thing on everyone's mind is No, I am not planning on taking over the rest of Seattle, that's ridiculous. Nor am I running for mayor. That's also ridiculous. Nor is the Barrens seceding from the City. I know, many of you would describe Underbridge Enterprise's taking over the Barrens Reclamation Project from Aztechnology as "hostile" or perhaps "suspicious," but I can assure you that there is nothing questionable going on here. Father Ramirez and I go way back, and we both had the same vision for the Barrens: a safer place for suburban dwellers to live, work, and play. I'd like to keep questions focused on future concerns, if we can. First question: you. (points to audience)

[Max]: Max D'Artagnan, Channel 38, Truth News Network. Are the bug spirits really gone?

[R] I can tell you, with absolute certainty, that yes they are gone. Proto-ORCS Securities eradicated all traces of them, Queen and all. We are currently in no danger from further bug spirit infestation or possession. This has been confirmed by UCAS personnel.

[Max] One follow-up, Mr. Hartman, is it true that Father Ramirez was working for the bugs?

[R] Sadly, yes, Father Ramirez was actually possessed by the bug spirits, being the reason for their infestation in the Barrens in the first place. Regrettably, he is no longer with us. Next. You. (points)

[DB] Darryl Birch, MatChat. Mr. Hartman, what are your plans for the Barrens, now that UBEI (pronounced you-bay) is the sole inheritor of the BRP?

[R] Please, call me Reggie. Everybody does. (Grins at inside joke.) Underbridge Enterprises is going to pick up the good works that Aztechnology started: making a better life for citizens. Aztekans are welcome to turn in their corporate citizenship and come work for UBEI, keeping their old jobs where possible. It's about Synergy, people. Yes, Ms. Parker?

[CP]: Cathy Parker, Seattle Scene. Reggie, some would say that your success in turning what started as a clothing store into a two-A corp specializing in mana-tech and gene-mods in just a few years is a rise to power that seems a little too good-to-be-true. Perhaps even "magical."

[R] (trying to grin but mostly grimacing) Ah, Ms. Parker. Always with the jabs. I'll admit, Underbridge has come a long way since that first Big'n'Troll store, but I've earned it. Check the public transaction records, if you want, it's all in there. Big'n'Troll, Tacti-Troll, and ORCS (Occupational, Recreational, & Corporate Securities. They wear black with a red "eye" logo. Always with the jokes) were all founded legitimately and rolled under the Underbridge Enterprises umbrella completely legally. So what if we have a few friends in high places?

[CP] Maybe the only thing more outlandish would be if you started by selling curtains.

[R] (raises eyebrow) Did you just make a Portal reference?

[CP] Isn't it also true that Ares is going to start producing MageTech guns and armor?

[R] Damn, you really know how to steal someone's thunder, don't you? Yes, MageTech is partnered with Ares Macrotechnologies to produce the Excaligun spell-empowered weapons and Heinlein Empowered Suits. And no, we don't have working prototypes, and yes, we will run a demo at the earliest possible Corporate Expo when we do. Can I get somebody else to ask a question, please? (many people shout questions. Reggie points randomly at one of them)

[PD] Phil Drucker, FOX News, Is it true that you had metahuman conspirators help you steal the Barrens?

[R] I didn't steal the Barrens! It was all done legally. Aztech & UBEI were partnered; when the Corporate Council pulled their backing from Aztech, UBEI's claim to pick up the slack was recognized. Don't believe me? Ask Evo. Call Wilhelmina Knight, at Ares. Ask Lieutenant-General Harkins. That's the UCAS Air Force, damnit. Go ask'em. I have two Corporate Council Judges that will personally tell you to take your insinuations and shove'em, asshole. I don't have time for this. And what does metahuman have to do with anything? Are you implying that because I'm a troll that I can't be successful on my own merit? I may be a trog, buddy, but you're the TROLL. You and your whole news--station. Shit, maybe I oughta buy FOX news, huh? Wouldn't you like that? You could cover kids' birthday parties. Or do investigative journalism on devil rats. That'd get some viewers. Who here wants to see this schmuck drek through the sewers, huh? (Mr. Hartman is now gripping the podium very tightly, leaning over it. No one says anything). NEXT QUESTION.

(It's quiet for a moment, then I clear my throat. This release is over, and everyone knows it. Some stations will play a blurb or two, run a tagline on the bottom-screen scroll, but most won't hesitate to play the outburst like it was the real story. I feel kinda bad for the guy. Brilliant, but charisma of, well, a troll. Good thing he has a PR department for the damage control.)

[CP] So, Reg, can we expect to see a brighter, less 'shadowy' future for the Barrens?

[Reggie] Yes, like I said. Good things coming. Law and order. Jobs. Prosperity. I think that just about concludes things. If anyone has further questions, talk to my press secretary. Uh, thanks for coming out tonight.


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« Reply #1 on: <12-02-15/1926:42> »
Feel free to comment or ask questions. Everything that Reg talks about actually happened over a 2-year campaign.
« Last Edit: <12-02-15/1932:02> by Underbridge »