Guess I'm a little late for the party. But after reading Fizzygoo's Edit suggestions I may have to clarify some things. But first of: yes, the whole chapter may needed some more edition, a second look, and probably someone who fixes spelling errors (in English I just got an C+ in school, sorry for that).
A little background: Originally Lars Blumenstein (same author as in Corp Guide) was selected to write the chapter. For differend reasons he dropped the project and I took it over, after I finished my part of the not included AA-chapter. At first it was scheduled to be finished in 3 weeks but for some reasons I had more time to finish writing. So after I took over the chapter I asked LArs to give me everything he had already written for the chapter and started from there. Also I was in a hurry back in December so I asked another German freelancer (who worked at Shadowrun Chronicles before joining us) to translate some of our character descriptions (Lofwyr, Hyvönen, etc.) we made back in the 4th edition for our Rhein-Ruhr-Megaplex book (this may explain some of the inconsistencies in the voice). As for the other chapters I have seen many of them after I finished my writing (e.g. MCT), so some of the inconsistencies come from that (like the 2 times mentioning of UCAS Rail beeing either MCT or S-K owned, od the different outcome of the space lift).
Anyway here are some thoughts on your suggestions:
[spoiler]
Fiction
Writing good. Didn't like the premise. Maybe if more hints/info as to what was the job that Dauger did that got S-K to hire some guys to rough him up.
Wasn't written by me. It was one of the things I said to Jason back in DEcember when I just had 3 weeks, that I probably weren't able to write an introfiction (as I consider real fiction in a different language then your mother tong to be more complex then a "encyclopedia" text about a fictional corp).
Notes/Questions
Languages in main corp sidebar. pg 157.
Debatable, as many of the other chapters I knew at that time hasn't include it I left it, so I had more room to add subsidiaries (nonetherelss I mentioned business languages much later in the text).
"Since the ’40s, Saeder-Krupp has thrived, dominating the corporate landscape as first among equals. The Euro Wars and subsequent economic conquest of Europe, Russia, (Northern) Africa, and the Middle East cemented the corporation’s reign in extended Europe." pg 158. -But Euro Wars started in 2031 (SWA pg 49), "ended" in 2033 with Great Jihad ending after 18 Jan 2036 (Euro War Antiques). So "Since the '30s" (and pre-Lofwyr reveal) would make more sense here.
It should still be the 40's but maybe clarify S-K's conquest came in after the Euro Wars and is build upon the former conquest of BMW. It should be more seen as a summary of different economical and political events in Europe (formation of the AGS, breakup of the EU, breakup of Italy, etc.) that happened in the 30's (and 40's), but their consequences lasted up to the 40's and way beyond.
Kay St. Irregular's post, pg 160, "In September this year, she faces..." so S-K section likely written in 2078.
Maybe. This comment definitely was.
'One Step Ahead Again' section, pg 160, gets confused. To paraphrase and/or quote each sentence in the first paragraph (with notes in parenthesis): S-K's productivity made it top dog. But that's over now. They had to close and/or merge subsidiaries which moved employees. The closings/mergers allowed other corporations to make gains in those areas. But all the people at S-K were in a positive mood because of the Megacorporate Audit's timing. "With the audit behind them (for S-K or all corps, as written should just be S-K?) and the tensions in the corporate world rising due to several power shifts, the NEEC boils." (Probably should have started a new paragraph with this sentence as focus is shifting from soley S-K to NEEC). "until...recently...Eurocorps consisted of...about three factions" listed factions and comment on those not in those factions. "Now, these alliances are beginning to crumble and may fall apart. One of these new alliances is between..." That alliance is not stable yet. (so the main problem is in what should be the second paragraph, specifically the last three sentences as first sentence says here's the factions. Second sentence says those factions crumbling. Then flips over and says "one of these new alliances" when "new" factions/alliances was never set up...all we were talking about were the "until recently" factions.)
pg 160: "...to fend off rebellious AA and A corporations..." for NeoNET? or NeoNET and S-K? Understand to "strengthen ...the Corporate Court..." but the fending off bit needs more explanation and since it's a "These guys say, but I think" intro, just cut it if it can't be expanded or commented upon.
pg 160: "Remember, the main problem of S-K is the lack of productivity." No. The main current problem(s) of S-K, as have been talked about so far are: 1. Shut down nanofabraction branch due to CFD (nothing about not producing all the other goods and services, other than nano), 2. Confused alliance between NeoNET and S-K. 3. That "all of those events combined were too much, even for a giant like Saeder-Krupp" (pg 160, paragraph before the 'One Step Ahead Again' section). Given the list of 'Notable Subsidiaries' and the S-K write-up so far, it is not made clear to the reader where the lack of productivity is coming from (other than nanoforges, which largely began closing down between 2074-2075...3 years ago...starting in the last edition of SR so, if Heisenberg is on the up and up, perhaps a paragraph or runner comment along the lines of "For those of you too tempo'd out in the early 70's to remember, the whole world had become nano-crazy. Standard forms of production were almost entirely abandoned as nanoforges took over productivity for 90% of the world's production. And leading the way was good old Lofwyr at the helm of S-K [though this still wouldn't address why it isn't talked about for the other corps, how it affected them, why S-K is singled out as being affected the most, etc.]"). Core Business section, pg 162, confirms, by way of Krupp-Gruppe, that productivity is not the main problem of S-K.
I've written and rewritten this part of the chapter several times, shifting things around, deleting something and inserting something different. But as an author you definitely have some kind of "organizational blindness" and don't see your own mistakes after a while. But the timeline should be as this (as I hope I've actually written there somewhere):
The Dragon Civil War (
Clutch of the Dragon, 2073 to 2074 or 75?) drew away the attention of Lofwyr to different things beside his corp. During the conflict S-K lost several assets (like the arcology on Dubai) and scared several (low-level) S-K employees they might get killed by dragon hates (like Ludmilla Reanka was, eventually) so they left the corp. Besides the attack on Dubai there was also actions by terrorists, shadowrunners and so on and even some lost trust which lead to several S-K businesses loosing contracts, where sabotaged, etc. and thus where economically on the edge of going insolvent (
Storm Front,p. 43 and
Stolen Souls, p.102).
In addition to that Lofwyr uses his company resources to fight a private ware against his brother Alamais in GeMiTo, where he burned a lot of money, which where actually planed for different things (like to subsidize several of the under performing subsidiaries of the vast S-K empire, or for simpler things like paying the above-average wages). In the meantime the managers trusted with leading the corp in the absence of Lofwyr, mismanaged realy hard and increased the crisis.
Now CFD occurred and forced S-K to shut down the nano-forges etc. in late 2075 or early 2076. Storm Front is set in early 2075, but its chapter about CFD reveals that the disease is not known be the public. Stolen Souls reveals hat corps and some governments knew about it early on, but no big actions where made until it became public.
This three major events combined eventually lead to the massive productivity drop from 2074 to 2077, which eventually enables MCT to surpass S-K.
pg 162: "This is why just a few S-K subsidiaries were closed or forced into insolvency, unlike other dragon-affiliated corps." Why is it just dragon-affiliated corps (and how affiliated, like Celedyr-NeoNET and AZT-Feathered Serpents, or lesser like MCT->Yak->Ryumyo?).
This is a reference to the mentioned above pages of
Stolen Souls and
Storm Front. NeoNET/MCT is not featured in the Storm Front section (which I mainly reference here), so I did not mention them (also, I think it's something the author of the NeoNET/MCT chapter should do, as it is nothing I as the S-K author should prescribe to him).
pg 164: "...a perfect circular flow economy...(with all its consequences like resource thefts and Mafia involvement)..." so how is this 'perfect'?
It is perfect in the sens of that you recycle nearly 100% of the material you used to build a specific thing, and later use recycled material to build it (or something different) again. It's not meant to be perfect without consequences.
pg 164: "...the power plants often produce thermal energy, which is also used to heat homes." Power plants take one form of energy (wind, thermal, natural gas, solar, nuclear, tidal, coal, etc.) and turn that into electricity. Something like natural gas distribution may be what's meant here?
I was referring
cogeneration here, which is possible with nearly every conventional energy generation method. Back then I wasn't aware it is not so popular (or well known) in the US. I didn't even knew the correct English term, until I looked it up in a different context some time later.
pg 165, Magical Research section: would have liked info or comment on how magical research for a company owned by a great dragon is the same, different, or similar.
Maybe next time. I was running out of time and space (it was limited to 10 pages, actually), so I was happy of every part that was finished.
pg 166, Orbital DK's comment, "In the meantime, S-K started mining the asteroid, which they would do anyway." Mining implies removing mass. Removing mass changes the asteroids acceleration. Changes in stable-orbit acceleration causes unstable orbits. Unstable orbits must be fixed by adding mass/energy. Mine the asteroid then get it ready for a skyhook or don't mine it at all to save on fuel costs to re-adjust it's orbit.
As mentioned above the whole skyhook story contradicts the MCT chapter and also a chapter in
Hard Targets, I just recently read. Sorry for that, thts definitively my mistake.
pg 166-167, Inside Saeder-Krupp section, first paragraph...didn't feel like it was Heisenberg, cut the whole paragraph.
Leftover of Lars attempt to write the chapter. He used the same voice (actually he invented him for our Rhine-Ruhr-Megaplex setting book), so I kept it, as he certainly knew what he was doing.
pg 167, Sunshine comment, "...German could replace English as the lingua franca in the next ten to twenty years." Thought Japanese tended to be the corporate lingua franca, what with four Japanacorps being in the top 8 back in the day, and nearly a third in the current top 10 still.
Not in Europe
pg 168: "Besides Horizon..., there are a few organizations or people...that can make [Lofwyr] lose his self-control." Why? Expand, either Heisenberg or via runners like Frosty. A great line buried and left behind.
pg 169: "...figures like Hyvönen and Montejac are part of it." first time use of their names, use full names.
pg 169: "Since the crisis he also has kept an eye on all Horizon-operations in Europe..." (Coupled with the "Besides Horizon..." pg 168), I may be blanking but what's with the freak-out over Horizon?
Leftover of the translation from 4th edition material, where Horizon was the newcomer. When reviewd now it may not be the perfect spot (certainly not without some more explanation).
pg 169: "and originates from Portland." Which one https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Portland and if Tír, is it getting renamed to it's pre-Tír name?
pg 171: "...located in Portland..."
What Nath said.
Orbital DK comment "Aztech" (pg 166), Heisenberg "Aztech" (pg 170, 171x2), Mr. Bonds comment "Aztech" (pg 170) but other than "Aztech arms" (pg 144), subsidiaries/brands, and Lyran's comment "Aztech's savvy" everyone always uses the full name (and Lyran uses the full name later in the comment).
Thought that's a common nickname for Aztechnology. It certainly is here in Germany.
pg 171: "We all love soy, but often it's simply too cold or too expensive to grow it." Thought soy was the cheapest, it's why everything's a soy substitute "soycaf" and what not.
Soy need a constant ground temperature of 10°C to grow. This is achieved by exactly two areas in Germany (in the south western part). So If you want to grow it, lets say in the north, you have to use a modern greenhouse, heated all year long, which will give you a massive electricity bill each month. So it would be much easier, and even less expensive (or at least +/- 0), when you import your soybeans from France, Italy or Ukraine and process it here, like Germany does today. Or you could just like.. you know... grow the same stuff you've grown before, like crop, potatos and so on, as there is no need to grow something else.
But this "problem" is not something you only have in Germany. Think of Scandinavia, UK, or other countries, not well known for its warm climate.
pg 171: "(like the mass extinction of bees)" maybe 'near extinction'? Otherwise...how plants work now?
Hey, I mentioned pollination micro-drones, right
AFAIK Parabotany mentioned the (near?) extinction of bees.
pg 172: "In the past, the local managers were responsible for their own security forces... After the dragon conflict, this system proved to be insufficient." This seems to go against Lofwyr's claws in every pie of the pre-dragon conflict. Expected, pre-conflict Lofwyr knows all. Conflict let local managers become responsible. Now restructuring.
His attitude is more, like he (likes to) know everything, but just interfere, when it's not working according to his plan. Also he knew that the local managers have more insight on the local location, then someone on the other side of the earth.
pg 172: "...atomic weapons (stationed in the SOX)..." no runner comment as to the veracity of that claim?
Why should they?
pg 172: "...and also anti-dragon weapons, once developed in the early twenty-first century..." awkward phrasing. 'ones developed' maybe?
A reference towards Shadowrun Returns: Dragonfall. So I assume 'once' should be correct, because 'ones' seem awkward to me.
pg 173: The paragraph on Basima Oriol Diasruíz, goes from talking about her in the first sentence. Second sentence "Rumor has it that the techomancer [sic] known as Mihna ("testing") is capable of "hearing" (or detecting) the virus, which led to her promotion and eventual seat on the Corporate Court." As if Mihna is a seperate person from Diasruíz and add to that would have been good for a comment about being a Technomancer to appear in Diasruíz's Corporate Court write up in the Justices section at the beginning of the book.
The Corporate Court chapter was probably written before my chapter was finished. In my chapter there was a completely different second S-K judge, as I never considered Basmira to be someone high enough in the hierarchy, or have the right (e.g. law) background to be a good judge. Also I don't see her as a person who's job on earth is already finished, so that she is free to got to space.
Anyway, that was later changed by the editor.
pg 176: "...S-K Main Arcology. It's over 566 meters high..." and it's width, lenght, or just comparison to other arcologies (like ACHE)?
That's the only statement we have for now (made in the
Rhine-Ruhr-Plex book), and I don't want to come up with something new yet. anyway, if you want the "round about" dimensions, look at this picture:
https://sirdoomsbadcompany.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/s-k-arkologie-essen-rrp-shadowrun-4.jpg[/spoiler]
So some edit suggestions I agree, some are debateable (as they are more about writing style then content), and some may need these clarifications - but if they needed these they may not be good in the first place and should have been rewriten.
