[Mercy Merchant]

Yelena's heart goes cold when Marco talks of dying in a few days.  It is clear to her that he will not be coming to Poland with her, and that tears at her more than anything else.  It is not right to leave this man alone when he is in this condition.  His words confuse her and she does not understand what he is saying, putting it down to her own weak command of the language and to his mind failing him.  Still, she cannot draw away from him.  She hears some of his thoughts, disjointed and out of sync with each other thought.  There is little of the Marco she has grown to love, but there is still enough to give her some bit of hope that he is still there in some small part.  The voice bit she CAN accept; after all she hears voices, too.  Her personal demons are the ghosts of the hundreds she has killed in her lifetime, and they have tried often to drive her over the brink into insanity.  Perhaps Marco's own personal demons have done that to him.  Yelena does not have the appropriate skill set to effectively try to cure the man.  All she has is the ability to stay near him and hope that he pulls through.

With that in mind, she sits silently next to him and holds his hand, letting him do the talking.

[ismilealot]

@ Subaru  The alert had awakened Subaru out of a sound sleep. It had been meant to. When she'd programmed that little bit of watcher code over a year ago she'd known she might only have moments to save her own life. >>ALERT ACTIVATED. DEATH SQUAD IN PLAY. ALERT ACTIVATED.<< Death squad in play? What the hell?!?!?!?! Then she remembered George's last words to her. Words about having her very thoroughly checked. A check that could have even the innocent looking guilty, and an ideal opportunity for an enemy to plant evidence. And she had enemies. You didn't live and work among the Yakuza without acquiring a few. A brief check of her program confirmed that burst of suspicion. But, every minute she spent checking was a minute she wasn't spending getting away. And every minute was precious, the Yakuza had long arms and an army of resources.

[ismilealot]

For Tuskaloosa  Tusks had been having a great time with the Mashup. And as always happened in a garage, even a chop shop garage evidently, the conversation had eventually gravitated towards the latest engine and parts and what would make a sweet combo. Tusks had been part of the loud, cheerful arguing, completely at home. And then Chesh had laughingly said, "We could use a test driver from time-to-time. Knowing we probably won't kill you is a big plus in your favor." And Alyce had said, "She's already got a job. She's in with a lot what's bound to make more money. The reward fer that blood mage was a million, even if it did get split. And bringing in feds fer cleanup with one phone call sez she's running in circles that are to rich fer our blood." And Tusks had stopped and thought, Except this next job isn't me taking it on faith that they're bringing down a drug ring. This next job is a job killing people plain and simple. And I might know that it's a dangerous gang. And I might tell myself that I'm the wheel girl, not the killer. But, at the end of the day it's bodies littering the ground. And a job I can never tell my father about. She'd been doing it for him. So that she could rebuild her better half and go back to combat racing and make him proud. Proud of her. Proud of the bike he'd built for her. And more work than he'd know what to do with for the garage as the builder of a wining set of wheels. But, after this next job she'd have a secret so big she could never tell him. Hell, could she even tell herself? Could she look herself in the mirror afterwards knowing what she'd done? What she'd been part of. And afterwards every time she rode her bike she'd know it was blood money that had paid for it. At least the FUBAR that had resulted in her better half being chopped hadn't been her fault, she'd been framed. But she'd never be able to say that about this job. And suddenly Tusks had known that she couldn't do it. She couldn't be a part of it. And making a sudden decision she'd turned to Chesh and said, "I'll take that job. And any other work you have for me. I can't go on the job they're doing next. And less pay is better than no pay." Which was true. After all, if she didn't go on this job she was back to where she was before, jobless with no bike to race with. But suddenly, that didn't sound so bad.

[gilga]

Marco looked with a loving look in Yelena's eyes there was no hint of insanity when he transferred his emotions toward her, in a bandwidth and capacity that words could not possibly express.  He was with her, she was the most significant person in his life, and despite his pain she was always in his mind.

Marco has lowered his defenses, he lowered them in order to love again. However, these were the same barriers that have kept him sane all these years. They blocked external influences on his mind, but have crippled him. Marco has made himself a blind mage - because he needed to survive. He was too sensitive, and he could not withstand the way his emotions manifested themselves in the astral world. Everywhere he went there were evil daemons telling him things about people, things he did not want to hear. Telling him that these people are not Christians - that they are murderers and that they could not possibly be real priests.

But how can you accept that everything you know - every single thing is a manipulation? No feeling is authentic - that you are slowly being programmed to be a doubtless killer. Controlled by religious emotions that are not shared by your instructors. That their religious teachings are not sincere - this is after all your entire world - there is no family, no love nothing to lean on. So Marco has built a wall, a great wall preventing him to observe the fallacy of his world - a wall that made him immune to mental manipulations - at least for a while.  That wall has also made him numb, his magical talent disappeared he was unable to learn new magical skills. His astral access disappeared - he became the first mage that could not observe what he is actually doing. From a young prodigy he became last in his class - but he was not programmed to be a killer.

That was something...

Why was Marco sent to Seattle? He was sent to Seattle in order to fall in love. Because his instructors knew, that once he allows himself to be vulnerable their education would kick in. That he would be in so much pain, so much guilt that he would beg them to make it stop. He would litterally return to the Vatican to beg Gabriel for a confession, he would be back because he needs that confession like a junkie needs his next fix. It is only when Marco is truly broken - only when he say that he would do ANYTHING for a confession - only then he would be ready to take life.

"Yelena, the control of the Vatican on me is far greater than I ever imagined, they brought me here to fall in love. To allow my mind to be vulnerable, all my life they have poisoned my mind but I blocked them. I buried my emotions deep inside, I berried my magic inside my own astral senses. Then I came to Seattle - no strings attached, just as they told me to, and slowly bit after bit I begun to feel again. I begun to care, I learned more spells in this year on my own than I did in an entire life with access to the best teachers, to an endless wealth of knowledge. 
 
It was your love that doomed me. I finally gave up my barriers and as I did all their poison was free to infect me. My guilt causes me physical pain, I am a prisoner of my own emotions and my logic is not strong enough to defeat these emotions. There is no hope for that, I was programmed to be controlled like that since I was very young. I was never free.

My path ends in one of two ways, either I return to Italy and beg for a confession. I tell Gabriel that I would do absolutely anything if he can take away the pain that I feel, that awful guilt. The devil always win, I can never be good.

The only way I could possibly deny the devil this victory is to take my own life, I am committed until death, then I am free. Even if I go to hell I do not care, I never want to kill for them. Please, help me do that, give me the strength to die like a decent man rather than live as an emotionally crippled assassin that kills and then begs for forgiveness, kills and confesses. Allow me to die the man you love rather than to live like a monster."

[Mercy Merchant]

Yelena's anguish is palpable.  By the time Marco stops talking, tears are running unchecked down her face.  She alternately shakes then nods her head, almost unable to take in what he is saying to her.  Certainly, she does not completely understand much of it, but she can feel the pain and sorrow in every word and is convinced that he is baring his soul to her.  The mental link between them allows her to communicate as thought, getting past her poor command of English  "I am too cold and without emotion, Marco.  I do not feel as you and I have frequently killed without compunction.  Innocent and guilty alike have fallen to my desire to kill, my need to kill.  To you I am broken, but to me I am just me.  I am what I am.  I have only ever let three people into my life in anything more than on the edge of it.  One man was my mentor.........my tutor in killing.  With him I felt alive.  I was a willing tool and he molded me in his image and I thrived in that.  Before him, I had been just a killer but he taught me to live as a killer; to live and breath death.  To exult in my abilities and to ever seek more opportunities to learn.  The second man was the sax man and I gave up killing to be with him.  I gave up killing and it was a mistake.  I lived with him for five years and only when it was over did I realize that he had stolen those years from me.  I was foolish to believe that I could exist without killing.  It is what I am.  I am a tool for the shadow, and yet so much more than a tool.  You are the third man to be so far into my life.  But this time I know what I am.  I remember what I am."

"Why can you not confess to me, my love?  I would be your priest, your armor, and your shield.  I would exist to help you, to guide you to another place.  Together we could accomplish so much, both for the shadow and for ourselves.  Open your mind to the possibilities of what we could be together.  Your skills are uniquely toned to what this life could be.  Accept that you are not good and embrace the heart of darkness that exists inside you.  Do not kill for your former masters, kill with me.  There are many people in this world that prey on others and deserve to die and is that not a way to cleanse yourself?  I no longer take innocent lives, but I do take lives.  We could be a team like no other.  Do not talk of killing yourself, instead talk of killing your persecutors.  They are an evil in the world and should be removed."

She pauses and then adds.  "If you kill yourself, I will find these priests and make it my life's work to kill all of them.  No one should be able to take an innocent child and harness his life to their needs in such a fashion.  I was already a killer when I met Nicolai and all he did was hone me in his fashion.  I have never shirked from my life.  But you are different, and what they did was wrong.  Come with me and work together to destroy them so another generation of young men does not suffer as you have.  You can be the killer they envisioned, but for a greater purpose.  Seek out that purpose with me."

[gilga]

She was impossible, like a dark succubus offering to do for love what he would not do, but can a hammer decides to be something else? Can a stick become a comb? How can he explain to her - how can he possibly do? If they come to his funeral and they would because they need to make sure that he is really dead - if they come there they would show forgiveness. At least Marco has hoped, at any case if coming so close to death would not free him of this attachment nothing else will.

To serve until death, Yelena has died before and her shadow has protected her. There was some logic in the chaos, he believed in it. He knew it, but forgot an amazing mental manipulation capability that Marco buried so deep that he had no idea that he could do that to himself.

Marco thought at her "Have faith lover, I am no instrument of death. I am an instrument of life - of the connection between people. Taking life would emotionally kill me, I may survive but I will not be the same person. Never the less, I do not intend to leave you.

I know that this entire confession thing makes no sense, I know that for the manipulation that it is. There is only one person in the entire world that I am conditioned to confess to, a man with no name and no nationality, a ghost. His alias is Father Gabriel - but he has no last name, he made me and I am at his mercy, I always was. The only thing I could do is to delay it, find strength inside myself and fortify my mind. To give up future and past, to become a single moment. Single moments cannot be controlled, they cannot be manipulated - they simply are. Life were possible as a single moment, pleasure was possible as a single moment. Infinity in a single moment - this is what Agrat told me.

Life are not measured in time, they are measured in moments and the perfect moment contains as much life as decades of experience. We live for these moments that are rare and far between, there is no point in chasing the years.  I do not plan to leave you - you have enough of me in that comb to not be alone. My entire essence - a stick that willed itself to be a comb. A succinct summary to my entire story.

This entire year was designed to bring me to this moment of choice - but I lived a life time in a year. I was brought here to be broken so that I can be curved again to a different shape. I need you to believe, believe and trust me when I am telling you that I am not leaving you. I cannot explain it, things are deeper than they seem, deeper than I can comprehend but I am certain that I get to stay with you. I have no place in hell and no place in heaven not yet, not as long as you are breathing.
"

[Mercy Merchant]

"You are truly doomed, Marco, if you believe like this.  You have convinced yourself that you cannot live in either your world or mine, and in your mind that leaves you no option except death.  But in your world, does not taking your own life doom you to hell?  And to hear you talk, you are already there, so why steal from me what I need?  If this is already hell, then let me be the demon that gives you comfort, that can bring some form of solace to you.  I offer a partnership of souls, Marco, a bonding that can never be broken.  I do not believe that the people that wish to have you serve them will forgive you at your death.  That sort of people never forgive.  They only demand.  They corrupt sweet and innocent boys to their service.  The live only to destroy, and are not many of their victims other innocents, people that doubt, that stray, that cast aspersions on the faith.  And they do it in the name of that faith, the ultimate betrayal.  No, at your death, these men will simply shrug and cast aside your file as a failure in their program and then turn to find another small boy to work their evil on.  Your death will not serve to save another boy from your fate, but your life might."

[gilga]

"You are truly doomed, Marco, if you believe like this.  You have convinced yourself that you cannot live in either your world or mine, and in your mind that leaves you no option except death.  But in your world, does not taking your own life doom you to hell?  "

Marco thought "Exactly, where ever you are going... I am going there too, in fact I am likely to wait for you there."

If only he could tell her that he means Poland, but how else can he protect her from priests that may be determined to get to the bottom of this. They might be... aggressive about that, even extract things from her mind - just like Marco himself did not long ago to that annoying self centered mage Dana.
"I should have just seduced her and get in her panties until Blake arrived - it would have been safer than politics and bio weapons - stupid knowledge only placed us at risk." Marco thought privately - the flow of thoughts was difficult to control - so many voices and desires and fears all pushing in different directions...

And to hear you talk, you are already there, so why steal from me what I need?  If this is already hell, then let me be the demon that gives you comfort, that can bring some form of solace to you.  I offer a partnership of souls, Marco, a bonding that can never be broken.

Marco said "I am not stealing anything from you, though what you are offering is plain wrong. I will stay myself and stay with you. How many times have you died Yelena? Use your Shadow to save me somehow."

I do not believe that the people that wish to have you serve them will forgive you at your death.  That sort of people never forgive.  They only demand.  They corrupt sweet and innocent boys to their service.  The live only to destroy, and are not many of their victims other innocents, people that doubt, that stray, that cast aspersions on the faith.  And they do it in the name of that faith, the ultimate betrayal.  No, at your death, these men will simply shrug and cast aside your file as a failure in their program and then turn to find another small boy to work their evil on.  Your death will not serve to save another boy from your fate, but your life might."

This time Marco seems almost happy,
he thinks at her "Unlike you I am a SINNer - I exist, I was born legally as an awakened in Italy - a country where my kind are believed to be touched by God. I am registered and as far as the rest of the world is concerned I devoted my entire life to the Church. They have to follow protocol and by doing so they will set me free.  My makers may be cynical assholes, but they still masquerade as priests and as far as Italy is concerned I am a respected citizen. Nobody care about the truth, they have to follow the script same way as I did. They wanted to hide all my scandals - so my record is clean. There is no way they are not giving me the full rituals. I have been conditioned for control - but so where they, and from my place of rest I will mock them - I will finally be free and we can finally be together."


He sighed, that conversation broke his heart - he shared as much as he possibly could with her. There is some line that cannot be crossed. Marco smiled as if the mere thoughts of priest mourning him brings him pleasure. He looked at Yelena and said " I am sleeping at an homeless shelter tonight. I lived in luxury and became arrogant and blind. Now I have nothing, but my path is clear to me, Marco Black is no more."

[Mercy Merchant]

Yelena shakes her head.  "I do not understand you or what has happened to your mind, but I will not abandon you to this without you knowing that someone cares enough to want to be with you.  I will stay with you and hope that some bit of my love is felt enough to bring you some peace.  You are a man that means much to me and I will grieve at your death.  I have no more words to use to try to convince you to stay with me so will just stop talking and simply remain with you.  Will there be room for me in this shelter?  If not, I will find a place on the street to await you.  Perhaps they will allow me to remain here for a bit?"

[gilga]

Marco sighed "as you wish... " and begun walking into the cold streets, tomorrow... tomorrow was his last day and it was difficult. Marco was continuously sensing the astral for few days now and that world was like no other. The shelter was packed but for Marco and Yelena they did what they could.

"Tomorrow..." whispered Marco to Yelena, and then closed his eyes to sleep.

[Mercy Merchant]

Yelena squishes into the shelter with Marco and takes up residence for the night on a thin mat on a hard floor, surrounded by more of the same kind of man, or woman, that Marco has become.  Looking around her in the light provided by a dim bare bulb, she sees despair written large on every face.  People are here because they have no other place to go.  No family that wants them.  No home.  No job.  Nothing to anchor them to a better sort of life.  From the conversations she hears, she knows that some have been in this situation for years and others are new to it.  The common denominator, though, is a sense of despair and failure.  Still, these people find a way to continue on, to stay among the living.  For them there is still some spark of hope, no matter that it might be buried deep inside and almost completely hidden.  But that spark is enough to keep these people from killing themselves.  And Marco does not have that.  Yelena has refused to believe that this is her fault, but is it?  Marco was doing fine in his make believe world.  He could play boy toy or girl toy for anyone and was living the high life off of that.  Then he meets Yelena and his life begins spiraling out of control.  But she has done nothing except be Yelena.  Perhaps it is the complete assurance in her belief of the shadow as something much more than just the thin slice of reality between light and dark.  perhaps it is the completely different way they look at killing, or the reasons for going to exact justice on Tsina Molovna.  Whatever it is, something has made a fundamental change in Marco, a change for the worse.

Yelena sits on her mat and concentrates on holding her balled fists to her sides.  It is all she can do to keep from swing them at Marco in frustration.  She wants to yell at him, curse at him, hit him.  Anything to wake him up and bring him out of whatever has happened to him.  Yelena was very young when she stopped believing in any sort of religion, but she still has a deep dislike for suicide.  It never solves anything except for the person who has died.  But such a death leaves so much more in its wake.  People that care are left bereft, wondering what they might have done to make things better.  A suicide is much like a betrayal because it leaves so many unanswered questions and so much pain among the survivors.  Of course, suicides rarely consider the effect their passing will have on others...............it is not in their nature to care any more.  In the final analysis, suicide is a selfish betrayal that leaves more pain behind than it takes away.  Yelena feels this and wants to reach out to tell Marco, but she feels that Marco will not listen.  She loves him enough to try again in the morning and for now sits and watches over him, brushing his hair from his face and remembering the times they had together.  He had been so unique in her life, more......................something, perhaps more alive, than anyone she had ever met before.  The only men who could come close were not in the same league.  Nico had been death, not life.  He had brought her deep into his lifestyle and taught her to kill and love and the love of the kill.  The sax man had been different, but just as selfish in his own way.  He had wanted someone to warm his bed when he was too tired or too drunk to go out to have sex with one of the groupies he always seemed to attract.

But Marco had been different from the start.  Perhaps that is what had drawn Yelena in to him...............is still drawing her to him.  And now he is dying and will soon end his own life and Yelena neither understands or accepts that, but can do nothing about it.  She is completely powerless to do more than be with him and this fact frustrates her.  She grabs at the strands of shadow that surround her in this place but there is nothing to do with them that will change Marco's mind.  He is lost to her and she can only watch it happen. 

Love hurts.

[gilga]

When Marco closed his eyes the whispers grew louder, bolder. There was Yelena that genuinely found it difficult to say goodbye to him. That has figured out where he was despite the lack of a comlink. A comlink that must have had a thousand unanswered call, a status report was missed by his handlers - but what could Marco do?

The library was no longer there, the books were gone scattered around pawnshops in Redmond. Though Marco was sure, no message is louder than anything he might have written in there. He was going to die, and like a phoenix he was going to carry own and live again.  Freedom, but without anything that could possibly make him his own self. In a way, he was going to die, despite the script. He was not the same person he was before. He had the blood of innocent on his hands, his own shape change spell has enabled a plan to drop a van filled with people out of the bridge. They would have had to find a different way without his gift. He might have prevented deaths in numerous occasions but at the end of the day everything was in the grey.

Nothing was black and white anymore, the good guys used evil methods to promote their agenda, the bad guys used evil methods to promote their agenda. Even the freaking government was not to be trusted. Evil was so abundant that expecting to stay away from it seems like trying to keep dry in the rain. It was even in the heart of people that had nothing, not even they were safe from its grip. No right, no wrong just evil people that are killing other evil people.

Places of mercy were few and far between, and the shelter was the place Marco wanted to spend his last day in, a place of mercy.

[ismilealot]

The day dawned bright and cold, a clear cloudless blue sky overhead as the faint rays of morning came through the windows.

[gilga]

The next morning was uninspiring, it started by climbing a top building by stairs no less. Marco did not look at Yelena all the climb, how could he possibly justify it. Once on top of the building walked around on the edge, there was no danger  - he could after all fly in more than one method. This time it was different though - Marco has looked into the abyss and the abyss looked into him.

Finally, Marco has concluded as if weighting his options "This is the spot, I am less likely to hurt anyone if I do it from there. That ally seems deserted - it should be hell of a ride."
he said to Yelena.

[Mercy Merchant]

Yelena follows Marco as he climbs the stairs of what she assumes is the building where he intends to end his life.  She says nothing until they reach the roof and she looks at the alleyway below.  She turns back to the man she could have spent the rest of her life with and tries once more.  "Marco.  Is not good way.  Is selfish way.  Think of other boys who face this.  Marco can stop evil priests and save boys.  Marco can live always with Yelena.  Comb not the same.  Comb cannot hold Yelena.  Cannot cry .  Cannot make love.  Yelena need Marco.  Much need."  She is almost whispering as she finishes talking, unable to see clearly from the tears streaking her face, freezing there before they can hit the roof of the building.