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Debt of Non-Blood

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CanRay

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« on: <02-20-11/1746:06> »
I wrote this as an introduction for the first major campaign I ever ran.  I don't think my group read it  :'( and I ran out of steam.

http://canray.deviantart.com/gallery/3551264
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Charybdis

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« Reply #1 on: <02-20-11/1841:04> »
I wrote this as an introduction for the first major campaign I ever ran.  I don't think my group read it  :'( and I ran out of steam.

http://canray.deviantart.com/gallery/3551264

have just read the first article, and I like it :) 

Query:
- Fired to no effect: It';s not clear here whether the gun actually fired, but didn't affect the creature. Or if it didn't work. Later, it gets clarified that the Manual safety was on, and nothing happened at all, but at time of trigger-pulling, it's not clear.
- How do you conceal a machine gun under your coat?!

Your descriptions of the scene are brilliant. You can really feel the terror of the halls, and the pressure of being chased. This is hard to convey on a page, so is particularly impressive. I have real trouble with this myself.
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« Reply #2 on: <02-20-11/1854:47> »
Unedited, as mentioned in the notes.  People demanded that I put my work up as fast as possible, and have mentioned they like my unedited work better.  Also, these are the thoughts going through the guy's head.  As well, the guy was so un-gun-savvy that he didn't even know what kind of pistol it was.  (Colt Manhunter as he's told.).

It's an Uzi-III SMG.  He's got one of the smaller magazines fitted in the pistol grip, and it lacks a shoulder brace (Folding or not).  And it's a lined coat, so a Duster in length, and cut so you can hide something like that in it.  And, again, from this guy's experience, he doesn't know how to look for even semi-concealed weapons.  He has the larger capacity magazines in the coat for reloading, and finally starts wearing it on the outside of the coat after society falls completely apart in Chicago.  (BTW, the old man is supposed to be scary.  He considers the Chicago Containment Zone a VACATION!).

Glad I caught the terror right.  These were the first days of Bug City, which I never got to play in.  (I haven't gotten to play PERIOD!), so I'm glad I nailed it!
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Charybdis

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« Reply #3 on: <02-20-11/1907:41> »
It's an Uzi-III SMG.  He's got one of the smaller magazines fitted in the pistol grip, and it lacks a shoulder brace (Folding or not).  And it's a lined coat, so a Duster in length, and cut so you can hide something like that in it.  And, again, from this guy's experience, he doesn't know how to look for even semi-concealed weapons.  He has the larger capacity magazines in the coat for reloading, and finally starts wearing it on the outside of the coat after society falls completely apart in Chicago.
No worries. Just the use of the term 'machine gun' more aptly describes a PARA or M60 type device, which is not concealable at all, hence my confusion.

An SMG being described as a machine gun is a bit confusing. Maybe, if edited, it could be described as 'a huge pistol chattering a continuous staccato of bullet fire'
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« Reply #4 on: <02-20-11/2104:09> »
I've heard too many people describe SMGs and Assault Rifles as "Machine Guns" just because they're fully automatic and "Not a Pistol or like Grandpappy's Rifle".

Remember, this is some guy whose only experience with firearms is what he's seen on the 'Trid and heard on the news (Where, I drek you not, they reported about a "Fully-Automatic Bolt Action Rifle" once.).  He didn't even know about the idea of a manual safety to start looking for it, so, writing from his perception...

When we switch to Jon "Money" Johnson, we don't just get the right designation, we get the make and model of weapon.  If he has time to examine it, he might even give the year.  It's one of his hobbies.

Nas also calls his Machine Pistols "Machine Guns" as well, despite being only Ceska Black Scorpions.  But he gets pistol and rifle designations correct due to his Redneck upbringing.  He can tell a semi-auto rifle from a bolt-action from a lever-action at a glance, where your average city dweller would say, "That's a Rifle, right?" and be happy with that.

Firearm and Gun nomenclature can be very exacting, and Gun Nuts like myself can be quite nitpicks about them (It gets worse if said Gun Nut served in the military!), but I also know that most of the average people don't know these things.  So, I write with that in mind.

Thank you for the comments.  I like showing the work that goes into how I write.   :)
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Charybdis

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« Reply #5 on: <02-20-11/2120:13> »
Remember, this is some guy whose only experience with firearms is what he's seen on the 'Trid and heard on the news (Where, I drek you not, they reported about a "Fully-Automatic Bolt Action Rifle" once.).  He didn't even know about the idea of a manual safety to start looking for it, so, writing from his perception...

Hey, I'm right with you in getting a perspective from the narrator who has no frame of reference for what they're seeing  :D

However you're also writing the story for a particular audience, and from the context of the story, your audience is a bunch of Shadowrun afficionados  8) who will have more than a passing familiarity with the difference between a machine gun and an SMG  ::)

If the narrator labels it as 'a machine gun', then your standard audience for this piece (SR fans) is going to default to the visualisation of an M60 or similar weapon, which is not what the narrator is seeing at all, hence the confusion.

In cases like this, it's probably better to describe what the narrator sees, without any labels attached, ie:
- A T-shaped gun that screamed out bullets at a furious rate  :o


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Current PC: Free Spirit (Norse Shamanic)
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Phreak Commandment V:
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CanRay

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« Reply #6 on: <02-20-11/2123:08> »
I write from the point of view of the character.  Audience be damned.

And I also wrote it also for folks that don't know Shadowrun as an introduction to the universe.  Although your opinion is noted and will be considered in my future endeavors.
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Charybdis

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« Reply #7 on: <02-20-11/2147:37> »
I write from the point of view of the character.  Audience be damned.

*laughs* Which is a completely valid and rational perspective :D

All good champ  :D
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Current PC: Free Spirit (Norse Shamanic)
'Names are irrelevant. Which fake ID do you want me to quote from?'

Phreak Commandment V:
If Thou Be In School, Strive To Get Thine Self Good Grades, For The Authorities Well Know That Scholars Never Break The Law

CanRay

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« Reply #8 on: <02-20-11/2154:55> »
One fellow tried to tell me about writing conventions and such on dA.  I replied to him that the writing conventions I prefer are "Gonzo".  Yes, I'm aware it's usually used in journalism, but still...
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Deepeyes

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« Reply #9 on: <04-20-11/1513:34> »
Read everything you had on DA Can... and I must say "BRAVO"! Seriously some of the best fanfic I've read... EVER! Kuddos!

CanRay

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« Reply #10 on: <04-20-11/1901:38> »
Thank you very much.  More will go up when it's done.
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