Author Topic: On The Hunt  (Read 1164 times)

CanRay

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On The Hunt
« on: (11:34:33/02-17-11) »
My first piece of Shadowrun Fan Fiction can be found http://canray.deviantart.com/gallery/683630 at that link..
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Charybdis

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Re: On The Hunt
« Reply #1 on: (19:01:41/02-17-11) »
My first piece of Shadowrun Fan Fiction can be found http://canray.deviantart.com/gallery/683630 at that link..
As a free spirit afficionado, I really like this story line :)

Queries:
1) Jet's manner of speech is different in different spots. Is this deliberate? First statements are smooth, flowing with perfect grammar. But further statements are stilted (not without poignant pauses, just roughly spoken)
2) The meet in the coffee house, why is Jon not wanted here? Not wanted by whom? Is it just the money thing? (Jet drinking Dark Roast. Him on SoyKaf? If so, why isn't she buying? They have three years' history....)
3) A lot of use of the word 'death'...personifications of death, spelled death, etc... which cheapens the word. Maybe Deadly? Predatory? Some other synonym?
4) 'Interesting' needs more emphasis (Bold, Italics etc). Otherwise it takes a re-read to find which word is being used in Chinese Curse form ;)
5) Returning to her native realm: Not actually accurate. Astral plane is a common resting ground for spirits, but native realm is actually a Demiplane separate from the Astral (and requires two complex actions to return to, and 2 complex actions to return back. This taking about 6 seconds, I think someone else in the Coffee club might notice  :o ???

I really like how this is a detailed Johnson meet. It has excellent hooks as to the How's and Why's of the story, which provide great incentive to read on.

Am looking forward to the rest :)
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CanRay

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Re: On The Hunt
« Reply #2 on: (19:10:32/02-17-11) »
1)  In part, but my initial post was edited a fair bit, while my other posts aren't.  A combination of people demanding that I post more often, a hatred I have for editing, and a tendency of perfectionism and deleting a whole file in a fit of rage normally only seen in professional chess.

2)  Jon "Money" Johnson only drinks SoyKaf, never actual, real Coffee.  This was an upscale, elitist cafe.  In Seattle.  He's seen as a "Boorish Commoner" for his order.  Also, he insists on paying for his own coffee due to force of habit.  Both things are part of his background that I have written up about him in my head, and constantly tease my family and friends with.

3)  See my comments about editing with 1.  Also, I hadn't found the thesaurus feature in OpenOffice.org yet.  Later on and get a little better about it in my later stories.  At least, I hope I do.

4)  That's an issue with the version of the text editor that dA had at the time.  I may go back and fix...  Bah, editing.  *Spits*

5)  This is spoken from Jon's point of view, and his knowledge of spirits is flawed.  He knows more than your average John Q. Wageslave on the street, but is far from any real expert.

Thanks for reading.  I'll post a link to the next story I wrote now.
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Angelone

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Re: On The Hunt
« Reply #3 on: (15:58:03/02-23-11) »
Nicely done, think I read it before on Dumpshock. I really like Money he's an interesting character.
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CanRay

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Re: On The Hunt
« Reply #4 on: (16:02:27/02-23-11) »
Thanks.  The links are in my Sig.file on Dumpshock.  If I ever get my current project done, I'll be working on another piece for Shadowrun.
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