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Firebug's Hidden Journal

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firebug

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« on: <02-23-14/1130:55> »
OOC: The set up is Firebug keeping track of her thoughts on a datachip as she spends hours riding her motorcycle through Seattle on her days off.  None of the entries are dated and the only separation between them is pauses in writing.  No one actually have access to this beyond her, I just wanted to post it for the sake of having it on the forum.

I've had a lot on my mind lately.

I didn't used to think like this.  I could drive around Redmond for hours and just fume or play matrix games.

Maybe it's because of that thing.  Submersion is the only name I've heard it, but frag if it doesn't seem right.  But I didn't go 'deeper' into the "Resonance".

Resonance.  That's another name that fits.  But I didn't have to be told this one.

It wasn't like a dive into the depths of the information sea to find a hidden credstick.  It was more like whiping the snow off of a big ice berg and realizing you've been living on top of...  I don't even know.

But I didn't learn anything.  I just learned that I could learn something, and that was more than I'd ever realized.

I feel like I'm more aware of the flow around me than I used to be.  And when I'm in it all the way, I'm faster and in control.  Other people use the matrix, I live it.  That's how it's supposed to be for us.

My mind hasn't stopped since then.  A lot of drek's happened since then, but what else is new?  I'm a runner, getting neck-deep in drek is why we get paid.  Doing the stuff no one else is willing to do.  Or able.

My last run wasn't anything special, but the whole time I was restless.  When I'm not in VR my whole body feels sluggish.  I'm on edge and my limbs itch.  The whole world is so damn slow.

When I'm on my Blitzen it's not as bad.  I at least get a taste of the speed I desire.  It's not even the speed, it's something else.

The dissonance really started to get to me.  I could spend all day in the matrix away from my meatbag but it wouldn't make me feel better.  I'm not a sprite, I can't just live in the matrix.  And to be honest?  I don't even know if I'd want to.

There's a rush there, when I'm hacking, trying to subvert the code on a host and hide in plain sight from IC.  Or the feeling of making the code on a device drek the bed when I spike it.  But there isn't anything like what I'm used to.  A fight in an alleyway, the feel of fire crackling, or the sound and fury in a gunfight.  That is the kind of thing I live for.  Going over a hundred miles down I-85 with go-gangers at your back, trying to brick their bikes while you pull the trigger on your MP.

So I tried to find a way to bridge that gap between my two worlds.  I still don't know if it was the best or worst decision of my life.  I know it made a lot of the people "in the know" about my condition shudder at the idea.  I needed some 'ware.  Something to bring the matrix into my body.  I couldn't afford the wires that make you faster...  So I got the next best thing.  I've got wires and a jack for activesofts in me.

They helped a bit, but it wasn't until Beetle fed them the Resonance that it really got good.  With the Resonance flowing through them, filling the holes in the flat activesoft, it's almost erotic.  I've never fired an assault rifle before now, but holding one feels like I've done it my whole life.  The resonance feeds me its knowledge and I feel like I could do anything...  As long as I have the software.

But the Resonance left me a bit.  It still feels a little cold sometimes.  Certain things feel just a little further away from me.  Now I know what those guys on the matrix were saying.  I don't understand why, but it's something like my whole body being connected, and interrupting the flow at all makes it work less...  Whatever.  I get this weird feeling sometimes when I'm inside the matrix now, like I've just forgotten something.  I've heard I can work to get back what I've lost, so I guess that's what I'll have to do.  That feeling is unsettling to the core.

Sometimes I laugh at Beetle.  The poor thing.  It's one of those resonance bodies.  Some call them sprites, some machine spirits, but bugs are the only fitting thing I know.  It's just a weird mesh of code and AR graphics.  This one looks like an old rusty dirtbike with legs instead of wheels.  They can't talk.  Or at least, I can't understand Beetle when it does.  It's just a bunch of beeps and audio static.  I pulled it out of the resonance and so it owes me a service, but it's services won't end anytime soon.  It'll keep boosting my wires for as long as I can have it.  It doesn't seem to mind though.

I started using stimulants to try and get a fix for the sluggishness.  I grew up on the street so the effects of cram aren't new to me.  Dunno why I never tried the stuff until now.  It works pretty well, even keeps me alert when I'm riding for hours at a time.  Not quite enough though.  If I could get my hands on the stuff Lone Star uses...  Now that might work.  I hear that stuff is how they keep new guys hooked though, and the last thing I wanna do is be stuck begging the cops for my next pop.

This time the run was...  Different.  Enough that I know not to talk about it.  What happened was on the news, but they've got no idea what caused it.  Or so they say.  And it wasn't even me that lit the whole place up.

I'm fragging pissed at myself.  I've always had a problem with authority.  When I'm told what to do I want to kick and scream and flip off anyone who says they can get me to follow their rules.  But I do it anyways.  Sometimes I snap and take a swing at a guy, especially if anyone has the testies to try and touch me, but most of the time if there's any kinda resistance I just shut up and sit down.  What the hell?  And instead of taking matters into my own hands, here I am, drekking all over this notepad like it's my goddamn therapist.

I'm all talk and no show, when did I become such a pansy-ass poser?  I feel like I need to go out and crack some skulls just to remember what it's like.  I've only been a runner for half a year, but I swear having an apartment is already making me a pushover.  When I was on the street, nothing but my bike and all the vending machines in Seattle, I'd drek on your chest if you so much as looked at me wrong.  Maybe I'll go find some gangers and see if any of them like the taste of tire rubber.

Got a new run.  My favorite kind, the ones that involve lots of time on the road.  Gonna be crossing over into Tir.  Never been.  Bet it sucks.  Doubt I can bring my rifle with me.  Maybe with any luck I'll have an excuse to bust a few kneecaps with my Crusader before the ride's over.
« Last Edit: <02-23-14/1417:30> by firebug »
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Jeeze.  It would almost sound stupid until you realize we're talking about an immortal elf clown sword fighting a dragon ghost in a mall.