Author Topic: New Immortal  (Read 994 times)

EiraHaexa

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New Immortal
« on: (19:49:55/06-09-16) »
So I've been working on a novel-length story that starts in the year 2090. It's about a 17 year old elf mage who finds out her father is Lofwyr after her street adopted dad is killed by Alamais' trickery.

The story starts with a troll shadowrunner named Gregor "Greg" MacLellan, finding a newborn elf abandoned in an alley. He doesn't have the heart to leave her there, so he takes her in, names her Maisie, and raises her as his own. Everyone assumes that her biological parents chipped out and abandoned her. No one knows who she really is or how she wound up there.

Her origin is that Lofwyr had a brief relationship with an elf mage who panicked when she realized she was pregnant and disappeared. Alamais found out about her and her immortal bastard, and had her hunted down and killed quietly, so to make sure Lofwyr never knew. The men he sent to hunt her down made the mistake of leaving Maisie to die of exposure in a back alley, not expecting her to be found. 

Greg also happened to be one of the shadowrunners who "killed" Alamais to end his rampage at GeMiTo. Alamais used blood magic to save his skin, but it drove him mad in the process. He then took a new metahuman form, and stayed in hiding. Spending the next 16 years infiltrating the S-K arcology to rip the rug out from under Lofwyr, who hired the runners who "killed" him. While he's at it, he finds out where Greg is, and sets up a fake job that gets Greg  killed, and Maisie badly injured and captured by S-K forces and brought to the arcology for questioning.

Still following so far? Good.

After she is brought to the arcology, she recieves medical treatment, and Lofwyr finds out who and what she is. Unfortunately, so does Alamais, who then puts his plan into motion, tries to kill Maisie who is saved by Lofwyr and the two are forced to retreat. They then go to Berlin where Maisie's safehouse is, and Lofwyr meets her team/family members. Mod (hacker), Sam (adept), Nip and Pip (shamans), and Jack (rigger).

Alamais sends a message that they have 24 hours to turn Maisie over to him to be executed, or he'll raze the entire Rhine-Ruhr metroplex to the ground, killing everyone inside. At that point Hestaby contacts them and offers help to stop Alamais. They meet at the Chateu D'If where several dragons and most of the immortal elves are waiting (pretty much everyone who has a bone to pick with Alamais).

After that it dissolves into all-out war. Alamais is killed (for good this time), at least one other dragon on Alamais' team is killed. Lofwyr limps away a little more humble, and Maisie goes to Tir Tairngire where she lives from then onward, recovering from the trauma, and focusing on her magical studies with Hestaby as her tutor.

All of that make sense?
« Last Edit: (09:27:05/06-12-16) by EiraHaexa »
It is better to be crazy and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

"Nothing is wrong if no one can stop you."

Remember, you're only a genius when they need you. The rest of the time you're just an asshole.

Well, drek. Looks like Timmy fell into the Dissonance Well again.

EiraHaexa

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Re: New Immortal
« Reply #1 on: (02:58:27/06-10-16) »
Please keep in mind that I took great care to not Mary Sue the heck out of Maisie. She's not any more powerful than any other magician her age, she doesn't have a sudden flash of god-like power at just the right moment. Literally the only advantage being dragon-blooded gives her is being immune to age, disease, poisons, and pathogens, and even that is a very bittersweet perk given that she'll watch every member of the only family she's ever known wither and die, and she'll suffer from some pretty major PTSD for the foreseeable future. She has a LOT of trouble coping with everything. She never loses her heart of gold, but over time slowly gets closer and closer to Aina Dupree levels of unstable and eccentric.

It is better to be crazy and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

"Nothing is wrong if no one can stop you."

Remember, you're only a genius when they need you. The rest of the time you're just an asshole.

Well, drek. Looks like Timmy fell into the Dissonance Well again.

Rosa

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Re: New Immortal
« Reply #2 on: (06:18:43/06-10-16) »
I have a few Things i would like to point out. Naturally this is your story, so feel free to discount my suggestions.

First, there seems to be an issue with Chronology. If it starts in 2020 and Alamis is "killed" in Gemito in 2074, how can the Troll shadowrunne be present for both Things? Goblinization didn't happen until 2021 and if he could take care of Maisie and raise her as his own, he must clearly be an adult when he finds her. But that would mean he would be 70+ years in 2074. you then jump 16 years into the future, which would mean that the year is now 2090, way ahead of current SR chronology, so have you changed the chronology completely?

Second, there's been a ban on creating anymore dragonkin since either late 2nd age or early 4th age, what made Lofwyr decide to break the ban this blatantly and why on earth doesn't the others punish him due to a blatant violation of dragon law.

Third, when you put many dragons and almost all the immortal eleves together due to a common cause, i would think the World is about to end and the horror invasion is imminent. The immortals are notoriously bad at working together, and a gripe with Alamis just isn't gonna make them all hug and make up, especially since they all have gripes with a lot of the other immortals, not just Alamais. In essence think of them as one big extremely dysfunctional Family that simply doesn't play well together.

Lofwyr allowing Hestaby to tutor her? They hate each others guts after the dragon civil war, or atleast it seems like Hestaby hates Lofwyr, in any case it seems quite impossible that he would Hestaby within a continents distance of any offspring of his.

As i said in the beginning, this is your story and you have some good elements there. I too like to play around with the idea of "new" immortals in my game. The questions i have raised are questions that would arise in my mind if i were your reader sitting Down and reading your story.


EiraHaexa

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Re: New Immortal
« Reply #3 on: (09:25:37/06-12-16) »
I have a few Things i would like to point out. Naturally this is your story, so feel free to discount my suggestions.

First, there seems to be an issue with Chronology. If it starts in 2020 and Alamis is "killed" in Gemito in 2074, how can the Troll shadowrunne be present for both Things? Goblinization didn't happen until 2021 and if he could take care of Maisie and raise her as his own, he must clearly be an adult when he finds her. But that would mean he would be 70+ years in 2074. you then jump 16 years into the future, which would mean that the year is now 2090, way ahead of current SR chronology, so have you changed the chronology completely?

Second, there's been a ban on creating anymore dragonkin since either late 2nd age or early 4th age, what made Lofwyr decide to break the ban this blatantly and why on earth doesn't the others punish him due to a blatant violation of dragon law.

Third, when you put many dragons and almost all the immortal eleves together due to a common cause, i would think the World is about to end and the horror invasion is imminent. The immortals are notoriously bad at working together, and a gripe with Alamis just isn't gonna make them all hug and make up, especially since they all have gripes with a lot of the other immortals, not just Alamais. In essence think of them as one big extremely dysfunctional Family that simply doesn't play well together.

Lofwyr allowing Hestaby to tutor her? They hate each others guts after the dragon civil war, or atleast it seems like Hestaby hates Lofwyr, in any case it seems quite impossible that he would Hestaby within a continents distance of any offspring of his.

As i said in the beginning, this is your story and you have some good elements there. I too like to play around with the idea of "new" immortals in my game. The questions i have raised are questions that would arise in my mind if i were your reader sitting Down and reading your story.

Did I write 2020? I meant 2090, sorry. I'll admit that I was extremely tired when I posted this, and did a crappy job of explaining. Why Lofwyr broke draconic law? Who knows. Big L does what he wants. He had his reasons, but I doubt he'll ever feel the need to explain himself. However, this is why Alamais had Maisie's mother killed, and genuinely thinks he did Lofwyr a favor. After he finds out Maisie survived, he decides Lofwyr deserves to be punished, and enacts his plan to yank the rug out from under him. A plan he pulls off brilliantly, btw. For once, Big L isn't one step ahead, and his leaves him in a very vulnerable position. No one joins L's side for his sake. They go against Alamais because he's A) Insane and threatening to destroy an entire metroplex full of innocent people. B) Acted in such a way that he also broke draconic law. C. Is about to murder an innocent girl who can not possibly comprehend why this is all happening.

Speaking of doing whatever they want, Taking Hestaby as a tutor was completely Maisie's idea. Part of her reasoning was that Hestaby is the best spellcaster by far, and the other part was a smack in the face to Lofwyr. He may be her father, but she blames him completely for her life being blown to heck figuratively and literally. She might one day find the strength to forgive him, but until then she doesn't want to be on the same side of the planet as him. Hestaby takes Maisie as a student partly as a stab at Big L, but also because she cares about Maisie's well-being. Nearly 18 years is the blink of an eye to a dragon, so Maisie is still very much a child in Hestaby's eyes. A frightened and traumatized child in desperate need of stability and guidance.

A war between the dragons has been building for a while, and Maisie is simply the spark that sets off the powder keg. The immortal elves get involved because THEY know the Horrors are close, and they can't afford to lose a potentially powerful ally in the fight against them.  Even then, only  a small number of them get actively involved. The rest come into play after the fact when Maisie starts seeking companionship  and friendship among them.

Sorry it took so long to respond. I've been working a lot lately.
« Last Edit: (09:42:09/06-12-16) by EiraHaexa »
It is better to be crazy and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

"Nothing is wrong if no one can stop you."

Remember, you're only a genius when they need you. The rest of the time you're just an asshole.

Well, drek. Looks like Timmy fell into the Dissonance Well again.

Thanael

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Re: New Immortal
« Reply #4 on: (06:12:57/07-31-16) »
Robyn "Rat" King's IMO excellent fan fiction features a Dragon Kin too.
Get it here: http://www.magespace.net

(She's a freelancer for SR now btw.)

Dragon kin have been alluded to in SR here and there : http://forums.dumpshock.com/index.php?showtopic=8630

They are not too OP and IMO not necessarily immortal or elves.

EiraHaexa

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Re: New Immortal
« Reply #5 on: (16:20:50/07-31-16) »
Robyn "Rat" King's IMO excellent fan fiction features a Dragon Kin too.
Get it here: http://www.magespace.net

(She's a freelancer for SR now btw.)

Dragon kin have been alluded to in SR here and there : http://forums.dumpshock.com/index.php?showtopic=8630

They are not too OP and IMO not necessarily immortal or elves.

Freelancing for Catalyst would be a dream come true. I grew up watching my dad play SR with his friends, and he finally taught me how to play when I was six. Been playing ever since, and I'm almost 24 now.

According to some ED and SR lore I've found, the original immortal elves were the dragonkin offspring of Alamais, which is where the "immortality gene" comes from. The other elves still lived a long fraggin time, but eventually age or disease would get the better of them. I've also seen some conflicting information. So, for the sake of brevity, I'm assuming all dragonkin are immortal.

Maisie is not overly powerful, but has the potential to become ungodly powerful. That said, so does any Awakened character with enough time and practice. Maisie's biggest asset is not her strength or raw magical talent, but her silver tongue and the bull drek tolerance of Lyanna Mormont. She manages to walk away from the ordeal physically scarred and mentally traumatized, but absurdly rich and with her own literal castle. Between the first and second stories, she hands Germany their own backside on a gold plated platter following an unprovoked attack and the assassination of her diplomat. Which is where Altarraum (detailed in another post) comes from.
It is better to be crazy and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

"Nothing is wrong if no one can stop you."

Remember, you're only a genius when they need you. The rest of the time you're just an asshole.

Well, drek. Looks like Timmy fell into the Dissonance Well again.